|Age Range(s)||Adult (36-50), Senior (>50)|
|Type of monologue / Character is||Angry, Scolding, Complaining, Talking to the audience|
|Description||Noah's wife speaks. And she ain't happy.|
Noah's wife speaks. And she ain't happy.
Written by chris wind
|I am Noah's Wife. That s it. Jus Noah s wife. Mrs. Noah. A no-name person. My sons have names. Shem, Ham, Japheth. And my grandsons have names. Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, Tiras, Cush, Mizraim, Phut, Canaan, Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad, Lud, Aram. But me I don have a name. I m jus Noah's wife.|
That s why I m here. To set the record straight. See everybody s got me pegged as mean an a hen-pecker somethin fierce. Especially hilarious is the time where I refused to get on the ark. Well lemmme tell you, that weren t a bit funny. There s a few things you don know about all that. Why d ya think Noah wanted me so bad on the ark? Love? Pah. Now that s funny. That man never loved me.
No siree, he wanted me on the ark because I was the one gonna look after all them animals. I was the one gonna clean their shit, feed their mouths, tend their litters, nurse their sick. What did ya think, Noah was goin to? No, he was gonna be too busy navigatin , I can tell you that. Noah was gonna stand there like he always has, givin orders and tellin us they came from God. So that means I was suppose to look after him too. (My sons? Well, they each had a wife. Yup, there was Shem s wife, Ham s wife, and Japheth s wife.)
An I was suppose to look after the ark jus you think about keepin that thing clean and healthy: 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits that s long as a football field and three stories high! (An only one window lord, what a stench!) See he figured me to be game warden, housekeeper, and cook (an we ain t jus talkin a week, we re talkin close on two months) an all the while me in a state of constant pregnancy. No thanks.
An that s just what I woulda got no thanks, no pay, no credit. If the flood destroyed the world an all its people, where d ya think alla you came from? Me! An I ain t even given a name. To read The Bible you d think he begat alla you hisself. An you'd think he begat only sons. Well it ain t so.
An if that ain t enough, when it was all over, God made his covenant with the men. Oh I knew he would. Course he includes me, I suppose, if us women come in under “the fowl, the cattle, and every beast of the earth with you ¯. Flatterin , hunh.