|Age Range(s)||Young Adult (20-35)|
|Type of monologue / Character is||Mocking|
|Description||Jessa confronts her fellow addicts in rehab.|
|Details||Season 3, Ep. 1, Beginning|
Jessa is secretly in rehab, but finds herself an unpopular fixture due to her careless attitude with the other patents.
Written by Lena Dunham
|How awkward is it watching everyone try and get it up for each other? This guy's crying because a fro-yo opened up on his block. He's trying to think of the saddest thing he can think of... and it's not that sad. What do you want? Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? How about how my dad has been in rehab 12 times, about how I don't even have his number? Or about how my mother, how she can't even go to the bathroom on her own? Or how alone I feel and without a life vest? Is that what you guys want? Because I can do it? I'm really good at it. But it's exhausting... and boring. And by the way, I figured my shit out already when I was five years old, okay? Heroin is really fun, but it can also kill you. Okay, and Melvin over here-- sorry, Kelvin over here is a dark horse, and not in a good way my friend, and also named after a temperature measurement that no one uses, and I'm European. Okay, and let's talk about Mindy, meth-face over here. Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies. No one has addressed that. Maybe you haven't seen her wear one before, but she wants to wear them, though. How come no one has talked about this guy and how he insists on being called "Phred" with a "ph"? I'm sorry, shh. You know, I think I'm doing pretty good. I haven't done drugs, I've made some friends... some really ugly friends and I don't even mind. You know, I'm only here because it's what my grandmother would pay for. I do sixty days and she gets me a plane ticket, and rent, and these boots that I want, they're called Uggs. They're from Australia. Anyways, back to my feelings. I feel like Laura is using being molested as an excuse. I'm really sorry that your uncle abused you, but at the end of the day, we've all been through a lot, we can't go around blaming other people for our crap behavior. I just feel like you're being a bit whiny. Okay, now you're all looking at me like I've said something horrible. First, you all want me to express my feelings, then I do, and now I shouldn't have even bothered. Let me try again. I feel like Laura might be gay. Hear me out Laura. You hated being with your boyfriend even though he played hockey. And your vest... Okay, I apologize. I don't want any of you to be mad at me. I would hate if you hated me. And Laura, I'm sorry for your uncle abusing you. And I'm also sorry that you've all been through a lot and I understand. I had a weird uncle. He was gay, but he also said a lot of awful things to me. I was he first person he told that he had AIDS and I was five. I actually knew what AIDS were and I don't know how. But the point is, I also feel like a victim. Often, so. This is so cool. Like, I bet the minute you accept that you're just a bunch of lesbians and a little needy, you won't ever want to do drugs again. They were just a placeholders for girls and attention. I feel better already.|
And I just helped you all out, it was basically charity. I'm not looking for any sort of meaning in the things that I do. Do you know, you can't make things that mean nothing mean something. Am I sociopath? Am I method actor researching a role? Well, congratulations to me. I got myself kicked out of rehab. Are we done?